buddha on window sill

For over 35 years I was an exercise instructor, or as I called it The Entertainer. It was a great career for me and I have never regretted it, however it was exhausting and I don’t mean physically. Looking back I realize now I was living 2 lives, one outside of the house when I was ON and one inside the house when I was alone and I would literally collapse from fatigue. My social network consisted of people who either took my class or people I worked with. Because of that The Entertainer was always on. I was a caricature of myself.   High energy! Upbeat! Positive! Whoop whoop! Ugh, drainnnnningggggg…..

As time went on my fatigue became debilitating. My joints were so tender it hurt to brush my teeth. Chronic headaches, restlessness, weight gain, rashes that appeared out of nowhere and more absurd symptoms. From doctor to doctor I journeyed looking for an answer. All sorts of different drugs were prescribed.   Being poked and prodded, blood work drawn and diagnoses of this disease and that disease were given. Here is some of the list as best as I can remember.

  • Mononucleosis
  • Epstein Barr Virus
  • Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
  • Fibromyalgia
  • Lupus and then back to
  • Fibromayalgia and so on.

Talk about discouraging! That was about 2 years ago and that is when the decision to quit teaching group classes was made. What I didn’t realize then was that letting go of the group classes also meant letting go of The Entertainer.

With so much more time on my hands I had nothing to do but become introspective so the last 2 years were spent nurturing my heart and soul and discovering my authenticity. What I discovered was enlightening. I learned I am an introvert in an extroverted career. I am a leader who prefers to stay invisible. I am a social organizer who prefers to be alone. I love social media but prefer little human interaction. I encourage others friendships but have very few friends of my own. I have a lot to say but hate small talk and basically I am conundrum.

Oh yes, and physically? I felt great. Hmmmmm….

The Entertainer was gone and so was the dis-ease. Coincidence? I think not. I do think living an inauthentic life is taxing and will catch up with you one way or another. I think living in harmony with your spirit will bring peace to your mind and body, and I think that I am one big conundrum and THAT’S OK because I feel great. 🙂

Advertisements